Her True Desire
by Yingfa Dreamer
Summary: “I can’t always be a Marauder’s girlfriend.  I need to know… is this how it’s going to always be… forever?”  She had said it.  The one thing she wanted to know the most and now it was finally out in the open waiting to be tested. [OneShot] James & Lily


**Her True Desire**

One-Shot

"You know what your problem is James?" Lily yelled in the common room.

James was looking slightly ashamed. Everyone in the common room had tried to ignore the building tension arising, but as soon as Lily began ranting everyone stop what they were doing and was focusing on what might become of the famous hook-up of Hogwarts.

"You never know when enough is enough! You ALWAYS takes things too far especially in your pranks – and no don't you dare give me any excuse that it's not you – WE know it's you! You, Sirius, Remus and Peter!"

"Lily come on" James tries to reason with her as he watched her get redder and redder by the passing second.

"No I've had it! I've had it with all these games you play. It's okay once in a while but you guys take it way beyond that…" by now you could see how wearily Lily was looking, almost as if she had to grow up too quick. She was no longer yelling but that had the biggest impact on James, hearing her speak as though something was making her upset.

James could only panic at how serious and solemn her tone has changed… he was no doubt worrying about what will become of their young relationship. He had only merely convince her to give him a chance and he had been overjoyed and let Sirius convinced him to show her how charming and funny he can be by performing a series of pranks one after another. He had only tried to make her happy by being with him. He wanted her to always be happy while she's with him as to not regret ever picking him among the many other who was enamoured with her. He wanted to always see her smile and at first those silly little pranks worked well, she was laughing along with many others at their silly little antics and it had fuel him to continue… continue to the point it had gotten out of hand.

"I'm sorry." He spoke, apologising for all his worth.

He watched as Lily shook her head. "You're not," she whispers. Her eyes were breaming with unshed tear and that was all it took to tear his heart. "You know… you know I feel the same as you do." This had made his heart soar and patch it self up. He had declared to her, to convince her that he was real when he told her "I think, no I know that you're the only one for me." He had practically told her he's in love with her. He dared not utter those three words to her though, afraid that all it'll do is scared her off, away from him. He had loved, no he is in love with her, always had been, always will.

"… I feel the same... although the time we've spent together as a couple is short we have unknowingly known one another longer than that… but I just can't deal with it anymore. I just can't."

James could only freeze, rooted to the carpets from were he stood.

"Being with you… is like a roller coaster ride… at first the thrill and excitement is fun but as you continue to ride it over and over again you get tired and exhausted…" Lily looked away from the hurt in James eyes. She swallowed the invisible lump that was building in her throat. "It can't go on like this forever James. I can't be content with this sort of relationship for the rest of my life." With that spoken she looked right into James eyes. "I can't always be a Marauder's girlfriend. I need to know… is this how it's going to always be… forever?" She had said it. The one thing she wanted to know the most and now it was finally out in the open waiting to be tested.

James could only stare at her as he watch her broken form, the posture she had always carried, the smile that never leaves her face had all disappeared and in return was a figure standing before him, slumped and tired. He had never intended for things to ever go down this path, never wanted to see her the way she was before him and that was what scared him the most.

Licking his dry lips before he could begin he looked back at her. "Yes… but-" before he could continue Lily had already dashed up the girl's dormitory without a backward glance. Her friend all running after her as he stood rooted to the carpet floor. It wasn't till two hand rest themselves on his shoulder did he realised that Remus and Sirius had crossed the room and were now standing next to him.

"I'm sorry mate, it's all my fault." Sirius spoke. It was so soft and had he not been standing next to James, James would not have heard it.

"No it's not your fault." He reassured Sirius as he began to climb up the stairs leading to the boy's room. As he turned the corner he could see Remus holding onto Sirius silently telling him to leave him alone.

Sitting on his bed he pulled the hanging around his bed to hide himself. He knew that he was being foolish once again. He had wanted her attention all to himself that he became blinded and forgot how Lily could never lived like that. She is so full of love and so ready to give them to people who asked for it. Everyone loves Lily Evans. There was no doubt about it, even Sirius and Remus loves her. That was where it got to him. He wanted to be the one who loves her the most. He wanted her to love him the most, more than anyone or anything in the world. He wanted to have her love all to himself and that was his flaw, he wanted more than she could give and in the end his ignorance hurt her and pushed her away from him. He understood it now. The moment that smile began to fade he had known but he choose to ignore it. Pretend it wasn't true. Putting his hand over his eyes he tried to shut away the memories of her standing there, so ready to cry as her emotions began to surface at his reply. His reply… another foolish mistake. He had wanted to tell her that it wasn't true and that they can be forever happy and that he would make her happy… he had wanted to say all that to her but then if what's his been trying to do. Making her happy, making her laugh had only worn her out… then perhaps there was nothing left. He didn't know what else to do to make her happy… what was it that she needs the most from their relationship beside him trying to make her happy for it to work? Closing his eyes he let exhaustion and sleep take over.

They were all down by the fountain lazing about. Sirius was running around in and out of Hogwarts halls. His camera, in hand, as he took photos of everything and nothing that he could see. Remus was on the other side of the fountain going over the notes he had written with Peter, helping the poor boy out and James, James was siting with Lily on one side of the fountain looking a little relieved but pissed off at the same time.

"So…" Lily spoke trying to start the conversation. His attention was quickly drawn to her which he noticed made her blush a little before turning to face him with a cheeky smile. "I guess I should of known when you ask me to go on a date with a Marauder that I will be going with all four." She laughs a little and he could feel the small smile appearing on his own face at her laughter.

Sirius had demanded to tag along as soon as he heard that he had managed to get Lily Evans to go on one outing with him and with that he also dragged Remus and Peter along. Now he loves his friends and would do anything for them but for them to tag along and ruin what could be a somewhat romantic outing that he had only ever dreamt of with Lily was really pushing it. He was afraid that Lily would take it the wrong way, with Sirius, Remus and Peter tagging along but he was glad that she didn't mind at all and was enjoying herself laughing at Sirius and his antics to get Professor McGonagall to pose with him for the camera.

"Well you know what they say." James joked back.

Lily tilted her head to the side with a curious look. "No I don't, what do they say."

James looked back with an awkward face. "Ah, I don't know either, I thought maybe you might." He replied while raking his hand through his hair out of embarrassment. It was funny how he always makes a fool of himself before her. As if just remembering that she didn't like him playing with his hair he stopped mid-way and sheepishly withdraws his hand away from his hair giving her an apologetic smile.

"No, don't be." Lily smiled back. He raised one of his eyebrows at her. "Well I mean it's okay, I know it's a habit and it's not like you were doing it on purpose trying to make yourself look good." She shyly replied, and he found himself falling for her harder than he thought was humanly possible.

Soon the tense atmosphere was lightened and they continue asking one another questions about their dreams, goals and what they want to achieve in life. Occasionally laughing at Sirius who has taken to taking photos of Remus and Peter studying, earning him a few deaths glares from Remus. He had always known the basic of Lily Evans. Things that many knows but talking to her, really actually talking to her, he realised that there was many more things about her that he didn't know.

They had started talking about their families and the safety they need in this raging war. James smiled as he watched Sirius blocking the path into the halls of Hogwarts from the first years, teasing them that they need to know the secret password to enter. It was amusing as Lily and him watch the first years, all-guessing and throwing random words to the self appointed gatekeeper. Watching them he asked Lily, "Do you think it's wise of adults to bring an innocent life in the middle of a horrible war?"

He could tell his question shocked Lily but he was curious to hear what she personally believe. He himself had no clue what else to believe in anymore especially with the growing war.

He watched as Lily stares aimlessly at the first years as if thinking carefully on how to reply. "To be truthful… I really don't know, we're going to all be adults in a matter of years… it's scary that soon we won't have the comfort of Hogwarts protecting us from the cold reality beyond it's border… soon it'll be us out there fighting to ensure that they are kept safe within these walls." She tilted her head to the first years that was now asking Remus for help. She licked her dried lips before continuing, "children are the innocents of this world, the way they are brought up shapes their believes and the way they think… that's why… that's why I'm going to fight. Fight to make sure that they have a chance to be brought up knowing that they have choices, are free to dream, allow to laugh and cry and choose their own paths."

James had always known that Lily was strong, strong in so many ways because she chooses to believe that everyone can make a difference. She was so ready to die for what she believes in that he too can't help but feel motivated to join her in her campaign.

"I know it's not normal of a girl to dream of entering a long horrible war… many my age wishes to start a family and have children and hope for the best." Lily daydreamed off.

"Why can't you have both?" James asked back.

Lily stared straight back at him, thinking about what he had said before staring at him in the eyes and saying, "I wish it was possible… but I don't think it'll be fair if I ended up dead."

James frowned upon her speaking as though she believes that she'll die young. He was about to speak and tell her that she shouldn't think that way but he was interrupted as she continued.

"I know it's foolish to think that way..." Lily spoke watching as the first years screamed out the password. _Sirius Black is the best_. "But we must be realistic too." She finished as Sirius beamed and gave them each a huge slap in the back for flattering him. No doubt, the first years had learned from Remus that the best way to bypass Sirius is to stoke his ego.

James reasoned that it was fair and perhaps the truth; given the world they now live in. "Hypothetically speaking, just pretend that we live in a carefree world where there is no war hovering before us, what would you want the most?"

Lily stared at James trying to figure out what he was up, but reasoned that it was a fair enough question, given along the line what they have been talking about so she gave it a thought before replying. "Perhaps a nice stable job that allows me to help out and make a difference, maybe an Auror even if it's dangerous… and perhaps like every other witch, a loving family." James turned and stare at her as she continue to ramble on, oblivious to everything around her but her daydreams, "and someone who would continuously give me reassurance that he loves me and only me," Lily smile a little before continuing, "he doesn't have to do anything big or showy, he just have to… _love me_."

"If it was I, I'll let you know everyday." James had muttered softly but Lily had heard and blushed.

Pretending she didn't hear it she continues on about her fantasised dream of what could have be if the world was a better place. "I would very much love to have a family of my own… one that would be rooted with love and happiness…" Lily trailed off and James could bet that she was thinking of her own family where she and her sister had gone awry.

Looking at Lily with an untold emotion he couldn't help the words that came after. "Lily _be_ my girlfriend," That had caught Lily's attention with lightning speed. "What I mean is, before you start telling me off for being impulsive is… I know we're only just trying to make it work and nothing is official but… let me take the first stepping-stone to provide you with happiness. Let me be the one whose going to be there for you."

He felt like he was holding his heart out to her and now that it was in her hands he could only wait and watch what she'll do with it. Looking down at the cobblestone floor, Lily slowly raised her head with a small smile and shyly nodded her head. James couldn't believe if he was imagining it or not and just stared at her. Lily who was waiting for a reaction could only laugh at how silly he looked "I said yes you prat."

It was only when he heard those words did he realised the truth. So happy was he that he got up, pulled her up with him and hugs her tight, swinging her around in circle with joy while she laughs. They didn't stop till Sirius had came over and taken a shot.

Waking up from that memory flash, James pulled the curtains aside and realised that it was the next day. The sun was going to greet the sky soon and for some odd reason he realised what he must do. Quickly getting out of bed and changing into his uniform he made his way to the owlery. Tying the hastily written note onto his owl, "take this back home to my mother, if she's still asleep wake her up." He spoke to his owl and watches her take off. He was praying that he'd get the reply before the end of breakfast.

By the time breakfast arrived he was sitting in his usuals spot with Sirius and Remus before him, Peter was still sleeping in. When Lily arrived into the great hall everyone was looking at him and then at her back and forth as if waiting for something to happen. Ignoring the stares her way, she held her head up high and walked to their table with her friends they sat at the opposite end of the great hall. He had hoped that perhaps she might give him forgiven him, but then realised that, forgiveness must be earned when it comes to Lily Evans. By the time breakfast was coming to an end and the owl post had already left ages ago James realised that his mother perhaps haven't got what he needed. While he was getting up with his friends to head to their first class Professor McGonagall pulled James aside and told him to go to Professor's Dumbledore's office.

James frowned as he climbed the spiral staircase to Professor Dumbledore's office, wondering what he might have done wrong. He had already receive the punishment for those pranks in which caused the rift between him and Lily, so what else was he here for. Standing before the door to Dumbledore's office he gave it a knock and wait.

"Come in." Dumbledore's voiced spoke out and James find himself walking in to be greeted by paintings of all the great Headmaster and Mistresses of Hogwarts. "Ah, yes James please come in, take a seat."

James walked up towards the seat before him and hesitantly before taking a seat. "Professor-"

"Ah, would you mind giving me a second." Dumbledore asked as he rummaged into his pocket to find a box and withdraw it out. "I believe this belongs to you." Dumbledore hands it over to James.

James frowned a bit before taking it into his hand. He recognised the carving on the box and quickly looked up confused at Dumbledore. "But, I, my mother.."

"It would seemed Mrs Potter believe that it was of too much value to be sent by owls, however clever they may be and asked me of a favour to passed it onto you instead." Dumbledore replied with twinkle in his eyes. "Now I believe you still have some time before class is to end."

James smiled, thanked the Headmaster and quickly rushed off to find his friends while pocketing the box into his robes, hands clenching onto it for safety.

He found his friends trailing behind Lily and her friends who were all heading to their first class of the day. "Lily!" he called out and for a second she paused turned around saw who was calling her and then turned back around and continue walking, determined to ignore him. "Lily, please!" James called out again as he ran up to her. Getting a hold of her arm he turn her around and stopped her from continuing to walk away from him. "Lily please can I talk to you." Lily stood and waits for him to start having no choice but to listen. James glanced at her friend and gave them each a pleaded look before speaking, "alone please." Soon her friends walked a little off and as they did he started pulling her in the opposite direction.

"Where are you taking me! I'm already going to be late for History." Lily gave James a stern looked.

"Please just come with me." James spoke a little strain and Lily could tell he was begging her. Letting him pull her along she finds her-self in the yard with the fountain and then he stopped.

"What do you want now? I think you've made it clear to me yesterday that we can't go on like this so Merlin, please tell me what is it that you want?" Lily asked as she tore her arms away from him.

"I'm sorry… and you're right this can't go on forever… our relationship, the way that it was can't go on can it… at least not forever…" James softly spoke.

Lily tried to hide it but hearing him speak about their relationship like this, wanting to end it for all - hurts, hurts more than she could ever imagine. In truth, she never wanted to end it, she wanted to know where are they going with their relationship, what's going to happen after graduation, she had just wanted to know… not end it all.

Slowly turning around and looking around the place he had a small smile. "Do you remember that day when I asked you to be girlfriend right here near this fountain?" James asked as he continues to look around.

Lily didn't know what he was playing at but whatever he was doing at the moment was making it harder on her. She didn't want to remember the happier times they've had if he wanted to end it all right here and now. "James-"

"It hasn't been so long ago but I seemed to have slowly forgotten haven't I… that's why you were so angry with me isn't it…" James asked slowly turning back to face her. "I've broken the promised I've made to you didn't I?"

"James, please stop." Lily didn't want to hear more. She didn't want any more reason or excuse she just wanted to walk away from it all. She didn't want to let him see her heart breaking because of him.

"Please Lily. Please let me continue what I have to say before you make a choice." James asked desperately as one hand got hold of her soft small hand, holding onto it in case she'll run away. " You were right. You're always right… I've… always been jealous… jealous that you had so much love to give to those around you, to everyone, you're friends, my friends, _everyone_… and I got selfish and jealous because I wanted you to only love me and no one else. Somewhere during that day till now I've lost track of the reason why you said yes to me that day… I made a promise and I broke it and I understand that you're angry at me and want me out of our life… for good." He hesitantly spoke the last part.

Lily couldn't help the tears that were falling, she hadn't realised she was crying till James raised his other hand a wiped them away.

"I promise to make you happy. I had somehow latch onto the idea that if I make you smile all the time then that is an indication that I was doing my job right, that I was making you happy. As you can see I'm a very foolish boy huh…" James attempted to joke, giving her his famous grin while slowly turns into a frown. "But that wasn't what you want - is it. Your heart never truly desire me to make you laugh everyday with my pranks and jokes… what you had always desire was what I had always had, _always_, readily to give to you since the moment I started to fall for you."

Lily was confused, wasn't James trying to end it with her then why was he trying to make her fall for him harder. Why was he being so cruel to her?

Unknown to Lily, James had placed his hand into the pockets of his robes and was clutching onto the box tightly, drawing strength from it. Finally drawing it out of his pockets he held it up between them. "In here lays my heart, it's for you… it had always been since I started to fall in love with you." Looking straight into her eyes, not going to hold back anymore he spoke while opening it. "I love you and only you Lily Evans."

Lily didn't know what to say, she knew she was crying but she couldn't help it as the thing that was inside the box that James held was a ring. It's beauty beyond imaginable as the light catches the engravings on it. She was shocked, was James proposing to her, and was this - his truth.

James hesitated a bit seeing her shock expression. "I know you may think it's too early or that you might not want to have a family and be fighting in this war… we… we don't have to get married straight after Hogwarts if that is what you want… in fact we don't have to make it legal if it's what you want but I want you to have this as my promise to you…" licking his cracked lips he hesitate to continue. "This is a family heirloom passed down from generation to generation… it may not worth much but it is worth more than any gold or jewel in the world to my family… I… I want to marry you, so that we are bond for eternity. An eternity, to prove to you, that I'll always love you. Will you Lily Evans accept this promise?" James asked in a small whisper.

Lily could only cry, desperately wiping away her tears. He had done what she dare not hope he'll do, but secretly desired. This was more than a promise. It was a vow; a vow - of a man to a woman. Slowly and gently she leaned forward and kissed him softly on the lips before pulling back just an inch away. She whispers back gently, "Yes James Potter, I will marry you because I love you too." Lily smiled as she watch him smile and slip the ring onto her finger. She was now Lily Evans, fiancé of James Potter.

Their friends who had all skipped classes and was trailing behind them all leap out with tears in their eyes as they all celebrate a promise of a life-time.

Lily Evans is only a girl; although she makes great promises and a great gain to the war in this horrible world. She was really just a girl at heart who truly seeks someone who'll love her more than anything in the world.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing except the plot.

**Y.D:** This is something I came up with utter boredom. It's a small fluff so enjoy and please comment D


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